We all know that play wrestling with our kids when they are little can be one of the most fun and connecting things we can do as parents and as a family. Rolling around laughing together and sneakily finding ways to grab one another’s socks off or stuff a pillow under a shirt creates fun and hopefully hysterics for all. But did you also know that play wrestling can reduce symptoms of ADHD and is even a great tool to connect with your teen?
When children of all ages play wrestle, especially with an adult attuned to their feelings they experience these benefits:
Play wrestling is a fun and easy way to get more connection, less fighting, and even more compliance with homework in your household! All you need to do is keep a close eye on your child to make sure they aren’t feeling afraid or overpowered in the play (and if they do, then you mellow it out a bit) and be at the ready to protect yourself from a play-grab that could go awry. Be on your toes and snuggle your child with as much vigor as will get them laughing in hysterics (remember, no tickling! It can make kids feel powerless. Teasing towards tickling is just fine though).
Bonus points if you play wrestle before homework as your child will be more focused and able to complete the work from all that good contact with you.
Special Time is not easy. We want to give our children our undivided attention and love but we are pulled in a million directions. The busy mind defies our attempts to let go into presence. It will argue that there are so many other things that need to get done, how in the world can we just relax and play with our child?
There are other challenges too. Sometimes we find we are just plain bored with our child’s play. One parent working hard on creating Special Time lamented about how she couldn’t stand to play cars with her son one more time! It didn’t make sense to her why he needed to continue this monotonous play and it didn’t feel special. As adults we are trying hard to figure out the meaning of our child’s play and to validate that this time we are spending is worth it. The question we are really asking in these moments is “Am I enough?” For how could just our bare attention to our child’s meaningless play really be that important?
Your loving, joyful attention is so important for your child.
Most of us did not have parents that showered us with this kind of special attention on a regular basis. We were told to occupy ourselves in play outside of adults’ important time. If we had an achievement, an external product we created, that might be worthy. “Look at my picture, daddy!” “Watch my cartwheel mommy!” But if we just were, just being, not doing or producing anything particular, that was not worthy of attention, or so that was the message we absorbed. And this is reinforced again and again in our society.
We are told:
“If I cannot give an explanation of how what I am doing is valuable, then it is not important.”
We ask ourselves:
“Is my attention really that important to my kid when she is playing?”
Then when your child plays at your feet and you do all you can to follow her thread of play, but can’t keep track of why it’s important, you feel adrift. Your mind wanders.
You don't realize your importance.
Sometimes when we give our kids this special attention, it is more than just vacancy or boredom that arises. Sometimes deep feelings of pain surface. If you have experienced hurt in childhood then giving the equal amount of love to your children reminds that inner part of you just what was missed, and how you longed for it.
This is where getting our own support as parents is integral. Listening Partnerships allow parents to release their difficult emotions about parenting and hurts from the past, so that our minds are more free to be with our children.
There is a saying that goes, “You need to feel it to heal it.”
Talking with a trusted other can help you feel that boredom, irritation, the pains of how you were hurt, and your utter deservingness of love and attention. And in feeling it in this safe and time-limited space you can release a quantum packet of energy that can now be freed up for more productive and creative purposes in your life, including giving your full presence to your child at play.
To create a listening partnership do the following:
1) Call, text or email a person (parent or not) who you feel more or less comfortable with
2) Say you would like to create a listening partnership in which you can both share the frustrations of parenting and life (and share this post with them)
3) Set a time to talk, skype, or meet in a private space (the car works great for phone listening partnerships)
4) Set a timer for 5-20 minutes, depending on what you have
5) During that time one person talks, cries, demands, pounds, shakes, groans, growls, etc and the other person listens, encourages, and reminds the other that they and their feelings are important and will be listened to with full attention (a simple “I am right here.” and “Keep going” is usually enough)
6) When the timer goes off, ask a random question, like “What’s your favorite holiday drink?” or “Name 5 cereals” to get the speaker’s mind back to the present
7) Switch listeners and repeat. Remember to ask the random question at the end.
8) After the question say goodbye. Don’t ask about their life. Don’t bring up what they talked about. Don’t talk more about what you talked about. Save it for your next listening time.
If you would like to explore how to create listening partnerships in more depth I recommend this self-guided class by Hand in Hand Parenting.
I know a beautiful and bright 7-year old girl whose daddy is sick. She adores him. He is the sun and the moon. She is helpful, and she is strong. Tough as nails. And stubborn to boot. Before her daddy got sick most of our play sessions involved her leading us in a competitive game, one in which I must lose terribly or the game would abruptly stop.
At first I would plan our sessions with lessons to teach her behavior skills, ways to lose gracefully, to say sorry, to talk about what she is good at. But when I started to really see change was when I started doing Special Time with her, Hand in Hand Parenting style.
When we were working on her ability to play cooperatively, this shift in my approach resulted in dramatic changes. Suddenly her timidity when she entered my office melted, she would smile despite herself when I hugged her and let her tackle me. She would dissolve into peels of laughter as I did push-ups and mock-meditated to work up enough strength to beat her at our ball game (I never did). Outside the office her parents reported that she was getting along better at school and at home with her sister.
Then daddy got sick.
Then the real work we were doing became clear.
It wasn’t about the skills. It wasn’t about external success in the world, measured by grades and concrete achievements. It was about love. Feeling loved and treasured, the queen of her life, to feel that an adult’s undivided joy and attention were directed lovingly at her and her whims. This is what changes people. This is why I do what I do. This is the only reason we do anything in life: because we need to love others and we need to feel their love.
This is why you had children.
Even if the children weren’t planned, every parent longs for the depth of love one can only feel as they hold the future in their arms and look into eyes that are so helpless and so trusting.
Now when this brave and strong little girl and I meet there is an inherent joy, even in this trying time. I tackle her and she feels loved and wanted. She tackles me and feels her strength. And she knows she can let her guard down.
I know that 45-minutes per week with me is not going to completely change her life. I know I can’t control the pain she might experience. I can’t make daddy get better faster or provide any guarantees. But I do know this:
Every week she gets a little dose of joy. She gets to snuggle and feel held. She can push and feel her strength. She gets to be the creator of her world. She can even cry or scream and I will listen. And hopefully she leaves feeling a little more resilient against the waves of life.
When she is an adult she may not remember all we did, or even my name, but I trust her day will be a little brighter because she has felt the truth of her inherent value through my undivided presence and attention.
Special Time is special precisely because of the quality of presence you bring to it. It is outside of time and space.
Even if you play with your child regularly, setting up one or two days per week in which you throw all of your quiet, loving, fierce attention at your child for 20 minutes makes a difference. It is protected time.
During Special Time you put aside all the cares of the world. All the things you cannot change in your life or your child’s. All your frustrations and worries. All your to-do’s. Every agenda you have to teach your child and your need to be the one in charge.
You put all those things aside and you just love.
Let your child lead and love every moment with all your strength. You will see the connection grow between you and your child.
And then when things get tough, when there is a loss, when your child grows into stormy adolescence, when your child is faced with difficult decisions in life, he will know you care. He will know you will listen. He will know, deep in the depths of his being that he is loved and very very important. And so will you.
In Special Time she is the boss and I am her willing, (and often dim-witted) servant. My goals are simple. I shower with her presence and attention. I follow the thread of her feelings and thoughts carefully. I find opportunities for affection and laughter whenever possible without disrupting the content of her play.
Make the commitment to yourself and your family today. Carve out 20 minutes per week with each child in which their job is to do whatever they want and yours is to shower them with your undivided and expectant attention. Put aside all the tedium and pressures of parenting for just this small amount of time and watch as the joy of parenting grows roots deep in the earth and sprouts into an undeniably vibrant blossom.
...even while running from you in the store in defiance, crying because you won’t buy him that toy today, ignoring your requests to turn off the computer, continuing to jump on the couch after you’ve told her 10 times! Even then your child is not being a bad kid.
This is a radical concept.
Even I, who love and respect kids immensely, have devoted more than a decade to learning about their needs, and advocate for them fiercely, sometimes have a hard time with this one (conditioning runs deep). When your child (or kids you are teaching) just won’t listen, it’s hard not to hear this line running through your head: "Why are they being so bad?"
Even when you get that your kid might have particular sensory needs and has to wiggle, jump, climb, fidget and move in order to learn and release emotions, it can be hard not to buy into the message our society tells us that, “If your kid isn’t listening, they are doing it on purpose!” In essence, they are being bad for the thrill of it or just to be naughty. We are told….
"Your kid just doesn’t want to listen!"
How do you counteract that voice you know just can’t be true?
Here’s an example from my child therapy practice: I was working with two adorable and sweet kindergarteners trying to have them sit in a small circle with me to look over the plan for the day (which involved all kinds of fun games I had planned). Of course they didn’t want to sit; they just wanted to play with the larger than life therapy balls in the play room, bouncing and falling all over them as I tried all my tools to get their attention. For a millisecond my mind said, “Hey! Don’t they know I have fun therapeutic stuff planned! These kids are being naughty! They should listen!” Luckily I can catch myself (I know that’s not my voice in there, but the voice of my teachers and parents from my childhood in their worst moments).
The voice Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, ran through my mind:
“Children are never bad.
They are only connected or disconnected.”
When a child is connected it means they are using all parts of their brain in sync, they are not overwhelmed by emotions or sensations and they feel loved in your presence. When a child is disconnected the higher level thinking parts of their brain that manage impulse-control and decision-making are hijacked by the emotional brain in fight/flight or sensory overload.
I could use this message from Hand in Hand Parenting right in that moment. I thought to myself, If kids are only ever connected or disconnected, then if these kids aren’t listening (and my expectations are not inappropriate) then they must be disconnected. The question then becomes:
How can I help this child feel connected?
When our children are disconnected they need our presence and attention.
This helps them connect the brain’s emotional center to the higher thinking centers. Sometimes they also need some sensory input to connect and harmonize the brain stem, which controls nervous system regulation.
This is the gold. This is where the healing is at. When you notice your child is disconnected (and you’ll usually notice because you feel irritated at ‘how bad they are being’), you can bring this question to mind: “How can I help my child feel connected?” It reminds you that their behavior really has nothing to do with you. They aren’t acting out specifically for the purpose of irritating you (though that may be part of the fun and adrenaline-kick they get from it). They are acting out because they aren’t connected. And they need your attention and presence, and maybe a big squeeze or high jump, to get connected again.
Just so I don’t leave you hanging, this is what I did with those sweet children in my office after I realized the right question was not “Why aren’t they listening?” but rather, “What can I do to get them connected?”: I told them before we do circle we should bounce on the balls and asked how many times we should bounce. This gave them some control over the situation, the sensory input their bodies were craving, and the connection with me as I held their hands, looked into their eyes and counted with joy for every bounce.
So next time your child won’t listen and you’re finding yourself irritated, stop what you’re doing and muster all the attention and presence you can for your child and ask yourself:
“WHAT CAN I DO
TO HELP MY CHILD FEEL CONNECTED?”
Write this new question on a post-it and stick it to your fridge, your mirror, the dash of your car. In time you will find that you have reprogrammed those old voices and are parenting from a more centered and peaceful place.
Want to dive deeper into learning Parenting by Connection or other tools for your child?
Sign up for a consultation for individual or group parenting support.
Karen Wolfe, MFT
Karen Wolfe, MFT is a psychotherapist in San Francisco and the East Bay. She is passionate about helping children and families thrive and has particular expertise with children with exceptional learning and sensory styles.