It's hard to know what to say to our children in the face of these continued national tragedies as a result of gun violence. We may not know what to do with our own rage and hopelessness at the injustice of how gun violence continues to hurt kids. If you're like me, you may have wanted to just numb out, look away, turn off the news and go back to being with the people you love and managing the stresses of your own life. And that's not wrong, we do need to know our own limits. And we definitely need to take the time to be with our life and our loved ones without the weight of the world's problems taking us away from them.
But I think we also need to find ways to lean in. To use our simmering rage (and helplessness just underneath that) to make change. And certainly to figure out how to talk to our kids about what they are seeing and hearing without feeling like they need to pretend it didn't happen so as to not upset us or to take care of our big feelings. Here are some resources I think are helpful in talking to kids about tragedy and trauma, getting support for our own feelings so we can find our good thinking, and enacting change. I hope you will find them useful and heartening at this difficult time too.
How to Talk to your Kids about Tragedy
==========
Start the conversation with "You may have heard some things about what happened in Buffalo and Texas".
If they are young and haven't heard, I suggest protecting them from feeling over exposed. But kids are smart and hear us talking or may hear other kids talking. If your child is school age, they probably heard something. They will need your guidance and leadership to know it's okay to talk about what they are feeling and try to understand and makes sense of it.
Ask the following questions, giving space to let them express as much as they need and breathing into your discomfort and pain. It's okay to cry with them. It hurts. If you do cry, tell them, "I'm sad and angry about what is happening too and I am working with other adults to figure out how to make sure this stops happening".
Don't pretend you are not sad or angry if you are, as this will simply teach your child not to trust their intuition when they sense your emotion. Do stand up against your own hopelessness so they know you will be a protective shield to them and will stop at nothing to figure out how to do it, including getting help from other adults to help to sift through your difficult emotions.
Ask, "What feelings are you having about what happened?"
(for younger kids you can use an emotion chart and point to feelings). You can help kids who say "I don't know" by saying "Would you like to know what other kids often feel when this happens?" Common feelings would be confusion, anger, sadness, and fear. Tell them "Anything you feel about it is okay and normal". They may not even have any feelings about it, more consumed by Sally going faster than them on the monkey bars again than these adult problems. Let that be okay if that's what comes up!
Ask:
What questions do you have?
What do you wish would happen if you could waive a magic wand and change things?
Listen with an attitude of empathy. Use reflective listening. You will feel things. That is okay. Slow down, breathe, and let the feelings move through you. Show your children that feelings are okay and that adults can work through them and still pay good attention to the children in their lives.
Then tell them that if they are feeling scared, powerless, or confused something that helps is thinking of a place they feel safe and doing things that make them feel powerful. For young kids this may be building an awesome lego set or vanquishing a monster with a foam sword. If they are older it might be creating art with their pain and emotion or finding a place to take action in a student group.
This series by Sesame Street on Trauma can be a good starting place for younger ones on creating a safe space.
**Whatever it takes, help them find what makes them feel safe and powerful.**
Even if you are feeling hopeless and powerless. You can work on those feelings and find a way through! (resources below!)
But I think we also need to find ways to lean in. To use our simmering rage (and helplessness just underneath that) to make change. And certainly to figure out how to talk to our kids about what they are seeing and hearing without feeling like they need to pretend it didn't happen so as to not upset us or to take care of our big feelings. Here are some resources I think are helpful in talking to kids about tragedy and trauma, getting support for our own feelings so we can find our good thinking, and enacting change. I hope you will find them useful and heartening at this difficult time too.
How to Talk to your Kids about Tragedy
==========
Start the conversation with "You may have heard some things about what happened in Buffalo and Texas".
If they are young and haven't heard, I suggest protecting them from feeling over exposed. But kids are smart and hear us talking or may hear other kids talking. If your child is school age, they probably heard something. They will need your guidance and leadership to know it's okay to talk about what they are feeling and try to understand and makes sense of it.
Ask the following questions, giving space to let them express as much as they need and breathing into your discomfort and pain. It's okay to cry with them. It hurts. If you do cry, tell them, "I'm sad and angry about what is happening too and I am working with other adults to figure out how to make sure this stops happening".
Don't pretend you are not sad or angry if you are, as this will simply teach your child not to trust their intuition when they sense your emotion. Do stand up against your own hopelessness so they know you will be a protective shield to them and will stop at nothing to figure out how to do it, including getting help from other adults to help to sift through your difficult emotions.
Ask, "What feelings are you having about what happened?"
(for younger kids you can use an emotion chart and point to feelings). You can help kids who say "I don't know" by saying "Would you like to know what other kids often feel when this happens?" Common feelings would be confusion, anger, sadness, and fear. Tell them "Anything you feel about it is okay and normal". They may not even have any feelings about it, more consumed by Sally going faster than them on the monkey bars again than these adult problems. Let that be okay if that's what comes up!
Ask:
What questions do you have?
What do you wish would happen if you could waive a magic wand and change things?
Listen with an attitude of empathy. Use reflective listening. You will feel things. That is okay. Slow down, breathe, and let the feelings move through you. Show your children that feelings are okay and that adults can work through them and still pay good attention to the children in their lives.
Then tell them that if they are feeling scared, powerless, or confused something that helps is thinking of a place they feel safe and doing things that make them feel powerful. For young kids this may be building an awesome lego set or vanquishing a monster with a foam sword. If they are older it might be creating art with their pain and emotion or finding a place to take action in a student group.
This series by Sesame Street on Trauma can be a good starting place for younger ones on creating a safe space.
**Whatever it takes, help them find what makes them feel safe and powerful.**
Even if you are feeling hopeless and powerless. You can work on those feelings and find a way through! (resources below!)
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[Hand in Hand Parent Support Groups](https://www.handinhandparenting.org/event-category/parent-support-groups/) are a wonderful way to get support in community for the emotions that come up in these circumstances (and with parenting in general). It's hard to think well and creatively when you are full of emotion. Get support for the difficult job of parenting in this complex world. You don't have to do it alone!
[Moms Demand Action](https://momsdemandaction.org/app/) is a group dedicated to stopping gun violence with action steps and local groups.
[White People Doing Something](https://www.facebook.com/groups/whitepeopledoingsomething/) is a Facebook group dedicated to connecting white-bodied people in a conversation towards taking actionable change towards a more just world. Lots of great resources and live calls here.
[Sandy Hook Promise](https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/?fbclid=IwAR1Duw-m4VxUEiE13C5i7ToYknUSXdGQv3ugWL2W-02_c4-iewv1HGukewU) is a group dedicated to protecting children from gun violence.
[Moms Demand Action](https://momsdemandaction.org/app/) is a group dedicated to stopping gun violence with action steps and local groups.
[White People Doing Something](https://www.facebook.com/groups/whitepeopledoingsomething/) is a Facebook group dedicated to connecting white-bodied people in a conversation towards taking actionable change towards a more just world. Lots of great resources and live calls here.
[Sandy Hook Promise](https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/?fbclid=IwAR1Duw-m4VxUEiE13C5i7ToYknUSXdGQv3ugWL2W-02_c4-iewv1HGukewU) is a group dedicated to protecting children from gun violence.